Tuesday, May 12, 2009

My Feelings

The hubby and I are going through a rough patch right now. At least that's all it is. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster of feelings right now and I don't know what to do. I feel sick to my stomach. My husband and I, believe it or not, have a awesome relationship but there is just one thing that is haunting it.....JEALOUSY. That would be with both parties. Also, now that I have lost the weight, things have taken a turn for the worse. I never thought that he would become obsessed and insecure with it but he has and it hurts and saddens me.

Yesterday after work, I was feeling overwhelmed by emotions that I needed to get away and clear my mind and put it on paper. Here it is:

I'm sitting here in my usual spot where I like to be alone, downtown by the water. I'm so tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of my feelings not meaning anything. I'm tired that he can never apologize. I'm tired of feeling less than. I'm tired of being called the names I get called. I'm tired of the "D" word. I wish I felt loved the way a wife should. It hurts my heart that he is tired of the relationship. It hurts that I'm not happy the way I wish I was.

I sometimes put on a smiley face to cover up my feelings and problems but I also tend to wear them on my sleeve. I wish he loved me the way I long for him to. Maybe it's him or maybe it's the constant problem we have in our relationship. I wish he looked at me the way he used to. I just want to scream. I don't feel like I can get the cry out that I need to to feel some relief. I'm tired of feeling like this. Sometimes I feel trapped. I sometimes wish I was alone just so I can clear my head. I know I'm here writing my thoughts down but my daughter is here.

I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him but I never thought I would feel the lack of love at times that I do. With the verbal words I hear from time to time about the same 'ol shit. It just breaks my heart.

This was never what I wanted my daughter to grow up around. I don't want her to think this is normal but I also don't believe in divorce. I took my vows seriously. It hurts me that he thinks things are a joke when I'm sharing my feelings or crying (which is a reason why I rarely cry around him anymore). I wish I got some sympathy from him but I don't. A hug or something. I just hope my daughter doesn't follow in my footsteps.

I just wish I could run away for awhile. I wish things were simpler. I wish I didn't feel so alone right now. Sometimes, sure i wish I was alone but on my terms. Not because I'm not wanted.


Since Sunday (yes, Mother's Day), he keeps asking if I'll go down to the courthouse to pick up "the papers". I'm sorry but I refuse to sign "the papers". He keeps bringing it up so freely that I'm starting to think that he's doing it just to get to me cause he knows I will not sign them. If he was so serious, he wouldn't have put his wedding ring on before leaving for work this morning.

I will just continue to pray and pray and pray and hope that God will get through to him and realize that I would never do anything to hurt him AND this weight lose of mine is only me wanting to be healthy and wanting to set a positive example for my child.

Friday, April 17, 2009

My Insecurities

I don't know what it is, perhaps my insecurities. Okay, yes...it is my insecurities! It drives me crazy and I wish I wasn't like this but I am.

My husband and I have separate email accounts. We know each others passwords too. It's no secret. He sometimes checks my email. I personally think "Big deal. I have nothing to hide." It honestly doesn't bother me. He knows that I have checked his too. We usually check each others if we are waiting for an email from some place that we are expecting an email from and depending on who's email it is going to.

So last night, my husband was watching his sports in the family room and I was watching a movie in the bedroom. I stopped at one point to go check my email in the computer room. Apparently my husband had been in there last checking his email cause he was still logged in. I thought I would just browse his email briefly and I came across one that read in the subject line something to the effect of "Italian hostess". I open it and this is what I saw. He had received this just over a week ago from his cousin. He always sends him crap like this. I just have a hard time with this so I went out to the family room and said:

Me: "Nice dear. Nice email you got."

Husband: "What one are you talking about?"

(Now come on!! Don't play dumb here buddy!)

Me: "You know exactly which one I'm talking about."

Husband: What about it?

Me: You always show me when you get emails like this.

Husband: I didn't think anything of it.

(Yeah right! You know exactly how I am.)

Me: Can I delete it?

Husband: I don't care. It's not like I'm hiding anything.

So you know I had to delete it. Deleted it from the trash too. I know I'm probably just making myself more miserable or just looking into it way to much.

Mind you, I've always been insecure and he knows this. He's know this the whole 16 yrs we've been together. While we've been together I had gained 40 lbs but I just lost it all. I thought that I was going to be better about my insecurities once I lost the weight. I guess I just feel threatened, I don't know. Maybe for the fact that he didn't get rid of the email makes me feel like he wanted it there for his viewing pleasure, I have no idea. I just know it makes me feel like crap and that I'm not good enough sometimes. I also feel he watches certain things to get a rise out of me but it just causes more stress than anything. It's just that society has it where women need to look a certain way and if we don't, we're not excepted. We may look that certain way on the outside but some of us sure don't feel it on the inside and it's just driving me crazy!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Word of the Day!

NESH-uhn(t)s; NESH-ee-uhn(t)s,
noun: Lack of knowledge or awareness; ignorance.


Wow, what a word..lol! I can elaborate on this with a whole lot of scenarios but I think I'll just leave it along. I don't want to make this a downer post.

Instead, I will leave you with this awesome story about a dog in Australia that survived 4 months on it's own after going overboard it's owner's boat. Being an animal lover, this is such a heartwarming story!

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Which one's the mother, which one's the daughter?

It sure has been a little while since I posted. I really haven't had much to say, to be honest. At least not on this blog of mine. So I thought that this would be a perfect time to post something. It's part of Mama Kat's weekly assignments. I normally do these on my regular blog but I've got a post planned on that one already. Can't leave this one too unattended, right?!

So anyways, here's this weeks prompts:
1.) Why did you do it?
2.) What is a common misconception about you?
3.) Describe a moment when you felt afraid.
4.) In what ways are you turning into your mother?
5.) Are you always right?

Truthfully, I could do all 5 of these but I will spare you the long blog post. I love reading people's blogs but when I see that they are really long, I tend to click off of them and save for later. Sometimes (most of the time) I forget about them. Since this would create a reeeeaaally long one, I'll choose just one....#4.

I need to first start this off my saying, my mom is NOT my mother. I have never called my mom "mother" and never will. I feel the label is just that...a cold, wretched woman. So, the ways I feel I'm turning into my MOM are these:

My mom is my friend and someone I love to hang out with. The fact that I am a mom and my daughter absolutely loves to hang out with me, go to the store, church, snuggle makes me feel like I am creating that loving bond with her as I have with my mom.

The fact that my mom is truly a goofball. I have on more than one occasion been called this. Okay, lets be honest here....when I die they will probably put "goofball" somewhere on my tombstone.

Oh, and if you want to include looks, well then let that be another one. I have been told so many times that my mom and I look so much alike except for the fact of the age difference. She's still pretty young too, considering my age and all. She is only 21 years older than me. I'm actually proud to say my mom is still in her 50's. Don't ask me why but I am. Call me weird. :0P

Oh yeah, we have a huge heart when it comes to animals. We just love them so much!! They are innocent creatures and they get treated terribly by some. We even cringe and turn the channel on TV when there is an animal who is hurt or about to get hurt. In fact, if I ever win the lottery (I guess I should play to make this happen), I would donate a huge percentage to a number of animal foundations.

I'm sure there are more things but I can't think of any at the moment. Plus, I'm at work and I should really quit goofying off. ;o)

Friday, March 20, 2009

The Mother-in-Law

This title should say it all, right?!

I am feeling a bit like a mama lion right now so bare with me here.

My child is 6 yrs old. She is at an age where she likes to play and not just sit around. It's normal. She wouldn't be normal if she did want to just sit around and do nothing.

My daughter has a cousin who just turned 2 yrs old. This child has a mother and father who prefers to party rather than taking on their parental roles. This child (along with his mother) lives with my mother-in-law.

My mother-in-law watches my child a couple days a week while my husband and I are at work. She also takes care of her other grandchild all the time cause again, the parents are all about themselves first. However, her idea of taking care of this other grandchild is by putting him on the floor to watch TV or to play by himself while she is on the computer. all. day. long.

Now, just the other day when she was watching my child, well...in reality, my child was over there playing with her Aunt while my MIL once again was on the computer, my child overheard her say to someone that "she needs a break from taking care of her. It's just too much." First of all, SHE really wasn't watching my child, the Aunt was. This woman is lazy. She doesn't do anything but sit at the computer or watch her soaps. Meanwhile, this woman will go out of her way to drive up the street to pick up her other grandchild (the boy) when he isn't there with her cause "he likes being with me more". Are you fricken kidding me????? She'll go out of her way to pick this 2 yr old up and watch him but she needs a break from my child??? What's she gonna do when this kid is 6 like my child? What it is is that she has control over this other grandchild and she doesn't with my daughter. My MIL is a control freak and it bothers her that we open our mouth when it comes to our child when my SIL doesn't when it comes to her kid and my MIL feels like she has control.

What the hell is wrong with this woman?? I'm pissed!!!! One, for the fact that she said this in front of my child who now has her feelings hurt and two, because I feel like my child is being treated "second fiddle" to her other grandchild. My MIL wanted grand kids, so now she has them and she is playing favoritism??!!

My child is a good kid. Don't get me wrong, I'm not blind like some parents. She has her moments like all kids but she is a very well mannered kid and is sweet. However, in that house she gets away with too much. In our house there are rules but when she's over there, my MIL likes to play "good grandma" cause she is competitive and wants to be liked more than the other grandma. Sick! But for the fact that she expects my child to just sit there, watch TV and not be active like all 6 yr olds should be just so she can be lazy and play on the computer just infuriates me.

I guess I should be happy that she doesn't want to watch my child. At least I can raise my child with the rules I expect to be enforced where ever she goes. We don't have a problem anywhere else but at that house. My husband and I both are just beyond ourselves right now. My poor husband couldn't sleep last night cause he was so mad. My main concern is my child's feelings. When you mess with my kid, you mess with me!!

Monday, March 16, 2009

Having a camera handy

I carry my little Sony camera in my purse. It's always handy to have it for those moments that you're out and about or maybe when you are in a fender bender or even when you are stuck in traffic. That's right, when you're stuck in traffic. Here's my story...

I'm late to work all the time. I try to punctual but it just doesn't work for me. Don't ask me why. I know, there are some of you out there rolling your eyes because this is one of your pet peeves but seriously....I try to be on time! Don't get me wrong, I'm not late 100% of the time. My boss deals with it because I'm a good worker. Lucky for me!!!

Now, when I know I'm going to be late, I always call my boss and leave him a "courtesy call" message letting him know. When I am late, it's never more than 5 minutes late unless of course, there happens to be a car accident and that is just something I can't avoid. When he receives my message, all he has to do is look out his office window which overlooks the freeway and he can see the traffic. Only things is, the spot where his office overlooks happens to be the split to two freeways which of course, traffic picks up at that point.

So anyways, we had one of our clients come into the office and we were talking about commutes and I mentioned where I was coming from and she was all "Oh wow, you have a terrible commute" and I said to my boss "Yeah, see...she knows!" My boss was telling her that when I call and leave my message that all he does is look out his window to see if there is traffic, but remember.....he see it when the traffic picks up.

So today, while once again sitting in traffic I realize that I had my camera in my purse. Hey!!! I'll take a picture for him so he can see that I'm telling the truth!!! (LOL!) So I did and when I got to work (1 min late) I shared with him that if he cared to see the pictures I so generously took for him, I had them for his viewing pleasure. Ha! So there, buddy!

So, the moral of this story is.......always have a camera handy. You never know when you may need it!

Friday, March 13, 2009

Word of the Day....

I thought I would do a "Word of the Day" each week. We all could learn a new word, right?! Some of us may already know this word but for those of us that don't, here you go...

inanition \in-uh-NISH-uhn\, noun:
1. The condition or quality of being empty.
2. Exhaustion, as from lack of nourishment.
3. Lack of vitality or spirit.

It's actually ironic that this would be the word of the day. I've been feeling kind of empty or even mentally exhausted lately cause of personal reasons. MEN! Or in my case, it would be singular....MAN. Husband. What is it with them? I love him but he can sure be a pain in my you know what! Last night was a perfect example. We were arguing talking while watching TV. Well, to be more precise, we would watch the show (Speeders...lol) and as soon as a commercial came on, my husband would start in. Then the show would come on and he would shut-up. Commercial, start in. See the pattern? A.nnoy.ing!!!

So, can you relate to the Word of the Day? Tell me about it.