My husband and I have separate email accounts. We know each others passwords too. It's no secret. He sometimes checks my email. I personally think "Big deal. I have nothing to hide." It honestly doesn't bother me. He knows that I have checked his too. We usually check each others if we are waiting for an email from some place that we are expecting an email from and depending on who's email it is going to.
So last night, my husband was watching his sports in the family room and I was watching a movie in the bedroom. I stopped at one point to go check my email in the computer room. Apparently my husband had been in there last checking his email cause he was still logged in. I thought I would just browse his email briefly and I came across one that read in the subject line something to the effect of "Italian hostess". I open it and this is what I saw. He had received this just over a week ago from his cousin. He always sends him crap like this. I just have a hard time with this so I went out to the family room and said:
Me: "Nice dear. Nice email you got."
Husband: "What one are you talking about?"
(Now come on!! Don't play dumb here buddy!)
Me: "You know exactly which one I'm talking about."
Husband: What about it?
Me: You always show me when you get emails like this.
Husband: I didn't think anything of it.
(Yeah right! You know exactly how I am.)
Me: Can I delete it?
Husband: I don't care. It's not like I'm hiding anything.
So you know I had to delete it. Deleted it from the trash too. I know I'm probably just making myself more miserable or just looking into it way to much.
Mind you, I've always been insecure and he knows this. He's know this the whole 16 yrs we've been together. While we've been together I had gained 40 lbs but I just lost it all. I thought that I was going to be better about my insecurities once I lost the weight. I guess I just feel threatened, I don't know. Maybe for the fact that he didn't get rid of the email makes me feel like he wanted it there for his viewing pleasure, I have no idea. I just know it makes me feel like crap and that I'm not good enough sometimes. I also feel he watches certain things to get a rise out of me but it just causes more stress than anything. It's just that society has it where women need to look a certain way and if we don't, we're not excepted. We may look that certain way on the outside but some of us sure don't feel it on the inside and it's just driving me crazy!
I am so sorry. Men can be such thoughtless creatures sometimes. It is tough to let go of your insecurities, acknowledging them is tremendous. I am very proud of your weight loss and it takes awhile for your inner mental body image to catch up to the exterior one.
ReplyDelete((Hugs))I hope hubby is supportive of what you are understandably feeling.
I went through a lot of those same feelings your experiencing in my first marriage, but I was eighteen, then. When a person truly loves you, they can look at other people's outer appearances, and know the difference between admiring someone, physically, and the REAL love they have for you. Everyone's different, and me, personally, i don't take stuff like that seriously. Men will be men, and we have to let them breathe a little, sometimes. I'm sure that if it was in his personal email box, and he wasn't using it as a screensaver lol, that he had no intentions of hurting you. Beautiful women are everywhere, and we have to trust that the men we take vows with are going to be true to them. But, I guess if he already knew you felt this way, maybe he should ask his cousin to stop sending him those types of emails. I don't know, I'm rambling lol. Maybe I'm not the best person to answer this because, if someone had sent it to me, the first person I would have forwarded it to IS my husband! lol I'm sorry, Kimmy, gonna go now! :-)
ReplyDeleteTry not to let it bother you. Men are just pigs. The one who sent it to your husband is anyway.
ReplyDelete