Tuesday, May 12, 2009

My Feelings

The hubby and I are going through a rough patch right now. At least that's all it is. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster of feelings right now and I don't know what to do. I feel sick to my stomach. My husband and I, believe it or not, have a awesome relationship but there is just one thing that is haunting it.....JEALOUSY. That would be with both parties. Also, now that I have lost the weight, things have taken a turn for the worse. I never thought that he would become obsessed and insecure with it but he has and it hurts and saddens me.

Yesterday after work, I was feeling overwhelmed by emotions that I needed to get away and clear my mind and put it on paper. Here it is:

I'm sitting here in my usual spot where I like to be alone, downtown by the water. I'm so tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of my feelings not meaning anything. I'm tired that he can never apologize. I'm tired of feeling less than. I'm tired of being called the names I get called. I'm tired of the "D" word. I wish I felt loved the way a wife should. It hurts my heart that he is tired of the relationship. It hurts that I'm not happy the way I wish I was.

I sometimes put on a smiley face to cover up my feelings and problems but I also tend to wear them on my sleeve. I wish he loved me the way I long for him to. Maybe it's him or maybe it's the constant problem we have in our relationship. I wish he looked at me the way he used to. I just want to scream. I don't feel like I can get the cry out that I need to to feel some relief. I'm tired of feeling like this. Sometimes I feel trapped. I sometimes wish I was alone just so I can clear my head. I know I'm here writing my thoughts down but my daughter is here.

I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him but I never thought I would feel the lack of love at times that I do. With the verbal words I hear from time to time about the same 'ol shit. It just breaks my heart.

This was never what I wanted my daughter to grow up around. I don't want her to think this is normal but I also don't believe in divorce. I took my vows seriously. It hurts me that he thinks things are a joke when I'm sharing my feelings or crying (which is a reason why I rarely cry around him anymore). I wish I got some sympathy from him but I don't. A hug or something. I just hope my daughter doesn't follow in my footsteps.

I just wish I could run away for awhile. I wish things were simpler. I wish I didn't feel so alone right now. Sometimes, sure i wish I was alone but on my terms. Not because I'm not wanted.

~~~~~

Since Sunday (yes, Mother's Day), he keeps asking if I'll go down to the courthouse to pick up "the papers". I'm sorry but I refuse to sign "the papers". He keeps bringing it up so freely that I'm starting to think that he's doing it just to get to me cause he knows I will not sign them. If he was so serious, he wouldn't have put his wedding ring on before leaving for work this morning.

I will just continue to pray and pray and pray and hope that God will get through to him and realize that I would never do anything to hurt him AND this weight lose of mine is only me wanting to be healthy and wanting to set a positive example for my child.